Some things you just cannot control

I find I have got to stop thinking, that certain people in my life, are going to change their behavior. It's obvious they are choosing not to. Regardless of what bullshit they may promise or say.
That old saying "Words speak louder than actions" truly applies and I am going to finally grab the metaphorical "steering wheel" and take control of certain things that I have overlooked, that I did in order to give my significant other the benefit of the doubt.
It's clear he is not going to change. So I do not care how loud he yells or protests, I am taking complete control over as much of our financial state as I can. I am taking away credit cards, ATM card and he will have to check with me before taking any money out of our account. I am very tired of not being able to have some of the things I need to get done for myself medically, because he is like a kid in a candy store and thinks there is a money tree outside the house.
It's time for this to stop. I gave it my best try for four years and he's made a mess of it. It's odd how he can "see" other men or people, screwing up their relationships, but completely ignores how he's ruined his own.
He is too old to blame his actions on how he was brought up. We have talked about it enough that he should know (and I am sure he does) that the things he's doing are not just self destructive, but destructive on many other levels.
He has an addictive personality. He doesn't seem to be able to do anything that's pleasurable,enjoyable, etc. Without knowing when to stop. That includes gambling, smoking, drinking, whatever.
How I wish I had had the courage to just take the step and leave him when I still could. But I rationalized it by blaming much of his behavior on myself (how stupid is that?) when he's responsible for his own behavior as I am mine?
He still thinks he can "buy" my love. It was a behavior I let start early on in our relationship. But as I began to realize that things weren't going to make me happy, it was too late. He can!t or won't unlearn his old ways of trying to purchase my forgiveness or approval.

I recently saw a question asking if you could either (1) go back in time and change your life or (2) become a young person again, about 75% chose to go back in time and live a different life with different choices. So 3 out of every 4 people you see are living with the regret that they made mistakes in life so big, they would trade that rather than become a young person again. So much for the theory that we all want to be young again.

Dog fights

Not much today other than new dog, Callie, can't seem to be okay with sharing and snapped again at Maui. Poor Maui doesn't know what to think. I had to let Callie know that's not acceptable and she was not happy, but didn't sulk.
Otherwise, typical Fibro day.
Talked to Lisa in Arizona for several hours. She's getting surgery for her spinal stenosis and seems pretty encouraged. I hope it helps her.she's already had cancer.
Going to bed. Had enough of this day.

Getting me down

I can't seem to follow my own advice and try to think "positively" to avoid sinking into a really deep depression. I know part of it, is not being out of the house to go anywhere, for over a week.
I hate my house, mainly because it's a disaster area and despite his promises to help get it more in order, I get nothing. R leaves most mornings to go wherever he goes...golfing? Maybe. Gambling? Another woman? It's hard to say. But I find myself just feeling as though I have nothing to look forward to except bad things. And who wants to experience all that? With R it's always me "waiting for the other shoe to drop" too. Because our history is just that. I never know when he's going to pull some stunt that will freak me out and get me to worrying.
I can't believe that I let myself stay in such a negative and mostly unhappy, relationship. That's not like me. I was never this way before. If a man treated me poorly, I left him. Buti guess it's because I can't find a way to support myself away from him that I feel trapped. And he uses that to behave any way he wants now.
He has changed so much over the years. From such a loving, kind man to a selfish bitter hostile one. I would choose to take a time machine, go back 20 plus years and get out of this toxic relationship.
Then try to find someone who could really talk to me and love me for who I am. But at the age I am now and with my health issues, I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with someone in my condition. So there I am. Feeling like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life. Nor do I have anything to offer anyone.
And it's amazing how I never hear from my parents these days. It seems so conditional. If I can do something for them then I am "worthy.". But if not, complete silence. If I make the effort and call them, then my Dad will, talk to me for a bit. But since I dropped off going to as many doctors appointments, etc, with them, I feel completely ignored. I am tired of their being conditions in Order to be loved! Am I not worth loving without having to give something back all the time? I am just so tired of it all.

What would I do without?

Well I can tell you that talking to my friend Mindi keeps me from killing myself or someone else that lives very close to me! He owes you a debt of thanks!
I think I took two amitriptyline, instead of one last night. That would account for my extra drowsiness and inability to do anything. But I know falling down yesterday didn't help either. I am sore more than normal. Mymuscles are aching in places they don't normally. So I know thats what did it. Plus my knuckle is swelling up and both Mindi and my Dad mentioned a tetanus shot. I should google "Tetanus" and see what happens if you get it.
I am probably going to need to change my will too. I did have everything going to the husband's daughter,but now I think some of my nicer stuff should go to the few friends who have stood by me even with my Fibromyalgia. So someone maybe getting some diamond jewelry. I you like diamonds!
I want to start writing my book on all the dogs in my life. The recent addition of Callie and the story behind it, has motivated me to get started. There are so many funny and poignant stories of all my dogs, that I know it will make me happy anyway. I can always self publish.
Speaking of self publishing, I began to wonder if I could get my old co-workers,who were SO disappointed with the last OPD "annual" to send me all the photos of themselves and of things that happened,that they would like to see in a book, to me? Instead of going through an uncooperative department, just the cops that contribute could be in the book. I could then add a little history about them. Something I could not do if I tried to make one of the last 25 to 40 years.
I am all over the place today. No wonder since I am so groggy. Maybe playing WWFs will wake me up.

If Wishes were horses

Well another horrible day. Don't mean to be such a Debbie Downer, but I fell down in the slippery grass and cut my hand up. Of course the man I live with, assumes I did this deliberately as I damaged his plant.
I have known him over half my life and if it were humanly possible, I would wish him right out of my head and life. I would have left him years ago when I realized hewasabusing me emotionally with his passive/aggressive behavior.
He has no idea how much I want to leave him and fall in love again. To experience love maybe one more time in my life.
If he was a truly good, caring man, especially about the fact that I have a chronic illness of pain and fatigue I could still love him.
But he doesn't listen to me. He does only what he absolutely has to. And I have frequently thought od just getting in my car and grabbing my dog and just start driving. The problem is, with today's technology. It's almost impossible to become "invisible" now. I long for those days before GPS and computers, where no one could spy on you or track you. Then I would take most of the money in our bank account and just disappear. There are only three or four people that I think would miss me. So I could be free again. But then I really couldn't be free because I need my doctor every month. He is the one that holds me here as a true hostage. That's what this illness and health insurance does. It makes you a hostage to the system.

Oh Finally!

Okay, I get it. You have to give blood to get this thing to post! Well it worked because I ripped my fingers open on the dog food can and blood is everywhere! I think it looks like a mass murder occurred and the way I am feeling, it's not that far off!

I wish I knew why men think that a woman will gladly give her body to him when he has no compassion for her (notice I said COMpassion.) How would I ever want to give my body, much less my love, to someone who lies, misleads, makes decisions about things that affect us both, when he would expect that from me, but doesn't gibe me the courtesy?

I can feel myself at that "breaking point" that all women have. You know what I mean. When you finally say "enough is enough" or you take a handful of Valium to get you through the day?
Since I am financially dependent on him, I guess it's the Valium. I keep saying if I win the lottery "I'm outta here" but damn! I keep forgetting to buy a lottery ticket!
I need to come up with some numbers. I wish the Lottery Goddess would send me some in a dream, email, letter (even with postage due!).
When I think of how many of women as myself I could "save" from their situations, would be in Dog Heaven!

Irritation

I am really getting irritated. I am writing posts but I don't see them later on when I check them. Is the blog God angry with me? Am I violating his TOS? What gives? Have I not earned the right to blog?