Getting me down

I can't seem to follow my own advice and try to think "positively" to avoid sinking into a really deep depression. I know part of it, is not being out of the house to go anywhere, for over a week.
I hate my house, mainly because it's a disaster area and despite his promises to help get it more in order, I get nothing. R leaves most mornings to go wherever he goes...golfing? Maybe. Gambling? Another woman? It's hard to say. But I find myself just feeling as though I have nothing to look forward to except bad things. And who wants to experience all that? With R it's always me "waiting for the other shoe to drop" too. Because our history is just that. I never know when he's going to pull some stunt that will freak me out and get me to worrying.
I can't believe that I let myself stay in such a negative and mostly unhappy, relationship. That's not like me. I was never this way before. If a man treated me poorly, I left him. Buti guess it's because I can't find a way to support myself away from him that I feel trapped. And he uses that to behave any way he wants now.
He has changed so much over the years. From such a loving, kind man to a selfish bitter hostile one. I would choose to take a time machine, go back 20 plus years and get out of this toxic relationship.
Then try to find someone who could really talk to me and love me for who I am. But at the age I am now and with my health issues, I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with someone in my condition. So there I am. Feeling like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life. Nor do I have anything to offer anyone.
And it's amazing how I never hear from my parents these days. It seems so conditional. If I can do something for them then I am "worthy.". But if not, complete silence. If I make the effort and call them, then my Dad will, talk to me for a bit. But since I dropped off going to as many doctors appointments, etc, with them, I feel completely ignored. I am tired of their being conditions in Order to be loved! Am I not worth loving without having to give something back all the time? I am just so tired of it all.